Still Struggling

Once. Twice. Then again. And again. I panicked. I called for help.

He did not cry while I held him in my arms. He silenced and calmed himself while I tried to compose. He looked me in the eyes full of needs and comfort. Such an enormous privilege but I felt guilt. 

I shouldn't have believed. I shouldn't have listened. I shouldn't have acted upon demand of others and ignored his. It burns me inside and then I realize I am a total failure in this role and probably others too.